Quotations

I love funny and cynical quotes. Here are some of my favorites! Enjoy.

"I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself." -Marlene Dietrich

"From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." -Sir Winston Churchill

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." -Jackie Mason

"In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything." -Jeffery F. Chamberlain

"Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does." -Bill Nye

"If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything." -Bill Lyon

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it." -Mary Wilson Little

"Reality continues to ruin my life." -Bill Watterson, creator of Calvin and Hobbes

"There are no secrets better kept than the secrets that everybody guesses." -George Bernard Shaw

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it." -Jane Wagner

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." -Mark Twain

"Mediocrity is forgiven more easily than talent." -Emil Krotky

"Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles." -Frank Lloyd Wright

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." -Jerry Seinfeld

"Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening." -Barbara Tober

"I don't like composers who think. It gets in the way of their plagiarism." -Howard Dietz

"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe." -Richard Gere

"Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made." -Otto von Bismarck

"You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public." -Scott Adams

"Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does." -Evan Esar

"The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away." -Ronald Reagan

"If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Marcus Bridgstocke

"Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too." -Richard M. Nixon

"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them." -P. J. O'Rourke

"Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?" -Al Boliska

"No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather." -Michael Pritchard

"Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty." -Leo Rosten

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion." -Abraham Lincoln

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." -Mel Brooks

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" -Abraham Lincoln

"Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." -Benjamin Franklin

"The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived." -Oscar Wilde

"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be." -William Hazlitt

"A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled." -Sir Barnett Cocks

"The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth." -Edith Sitwell

"I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed." -James Thurber

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." -Andy Rooney

"There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good." -Stephen Colbert

"Oppression is the legitimate mother of liberation. There's no hiding from alimony." -Mikhail Turovsky

"The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet." -William Gibson

"The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself." -John Ciardi

"We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex"--but Congress can." -Cullen Hightower

"I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness." -James Thurber

"Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer." -Rita Mae Brown

"We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people." -Arthur Schopenhauer

"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died." -Richard Diran